Sub anecdotes... the unique humor of the Submarine Service... enjoy.

Kenneth Reed • I was a section adviser at NNPS in Orlando. One of my students had just failed an exam, and I took him to the Class Director (MMCM) for further counseling. The Class Director (MMCM) was dressing down the student for not completing his required study program. The CD told him, "I'll lead a horse to water, but I'll be damned if I'll suck on his ass to make him drink!" I was in tears, standing behind the student. 

Dave Smith • Early 60's...USS Von Steuben on patrol...family grams were limited to 15 words, and were carefully censored for cryptic or 'suggestive' messages. According to my RM buddy, one that he saw get through read: 
"Me, kids and parents fine. Love and miss you. Car won't start. Bring home crank."

David Riegler • A long time ago I was convinced that I needed to fill out an ID-10-T form. To this day I still use it. A neighbor was recently running for County Councilman and I asked him if he had filled out his required ID-10- T form. He asked the County Clerk and the Republican Party Leader before someone had him spell it out. Priceless!

Tom Mitchell • Once a coner came to maneuvering and said that he must have an ear infection, because “his Fallopian tubes were swollen”.

Phil Saner • SK 3rd Laundry Queen doing the CO's laundry. Toasted them! Use Gomer Pyle voice, "When they're smok'in they're dry'in, when they're burnt they're done." CO had to 'borrow' underwear for the rest of the patrol.

Butch Ford • Back on my first boat The Daniel Webster SSBN 626, I was standing Sonar Supervisor and a JO came in for his 4 hour sonar indoc before going to his CO interview. We of course explained all of the equipment how it worked what it was used for etc. 
One of the pieces of gear the BQR-7 had a steering wheel like device on the front panel and a red button in the center of it. He asked what the button was for, and I explained with a strait face that is was a low frequency whale horn to chase away whales. He wrote it down like what I told him was gospel. 
A few hours later the CO comes and finds me on the mess decks watching the movie and was laughing so hard while he was trying to chew my a$$ out. That JO wound up being my DivO the next run. He never trusted me... I wonder why?

Mark Martin • On the Teddy R back in the late 70's we had a RM2 from Puerto Rico with a thick accent. When he stood Below Decks you would hear on the 1MC "There are divers in the sail and mens in the water, no radiate or rotate nothin"

Gray Miller • where to even start… the cook that came aft with a box of crackers ready to 'feed the shaft seals'. 

Christopher Reyes • We had a guy who talked really slow . One night, about 4 AM, he was testing the bridge case before surfacing, "This is a test of the 1MC from the bridge. 5...4....2..1...Correction, 3. This completes the test."

Same guy, different day. I was Ship's Duty Officer onboard USS Minneapolis-Saint Paul SSN 708. The officers had just been lambasted for topside routinely not piping the CO off correctly. I hear " Minneapolis departing." XO is already turning red. I looked at him and said "Don't worry XO, he'll pipe you as Saint Paul when you leave." Port and Starboard.

Norman Brent WHAM • I believe one of our SOPs stated; 
"Cussing is prohibited, but, a salty comment now and then may be appropriate".

Duane Kleven • One of our XOs famously explained that there is no yelling and screaming on submarines, it’s “training at a high decibel level.”

Robert Leeper • the KISS principle… Keep it simple stupid. First Chief in A school, use it to this day.

Michael Beezley, P.E. • The 50-50-90 Rule. If there is a 50-50 chance, you will be wrong 90% of the time.

Mike Wheeler The version I know of that statement is "if a nuke is given the 50-50 chance, 90% of the time he will get it right."

Steven Grim • Another gem from ol' Navy days: 
Why fart and waste it, when you can belch and taste it! 

Mark Gaskill • My XO called the PRT the "semi annual brush with death"

Franklin Gillis • The one that sticks with me the most is returning from my first patrol on USS Rhode Island as the Maneuvering Watch Petty Officer of the Deck, MM1 Fred Mounce (crusty A-Ganger, and my former sea dad) popped his head out of the Missile Compartment LET and asked if I could see any FAT, UGLY, WOMEN on the pier. I replied no I hadn't. Fred sighed and said "Damn, my wife’s not here" and went back below. I was speechless and still think about it.

Stephen Chickos • I still use "If you ain't got nothing to do, don't do it here..". Since all the techs are ex-Navy or retired Navy, they scatter like cockroaches when the lights come on.

Mike Arsuaga • How about to old rejoinder to quit the yacking and bring the results that goes something like "I don't want to hear the labor pains. I want to see the baby."

Joe Perry • The stupid shall be punished - Lou Sykes SUBLANT CMC and my personal favorite after regaining consciousness following a 450vac arm to head electric shock then EM3 (now LCDR) Mark Yates - "Man, what that like tasking copper, smelling ozone and feeling the wrath of God?"

Brian Blodgett • Don't worry about the fire - the flooding will put it out!

Bob Fritz • Spoken by the stereotypical 25-year E-6 who always stopped by Maneuvering (calling us "Those blasted Nukes!!") on his way forward, after cleaning out the Drain Pump Suction Strainer. He'd pause at the entrance, hold up the clear plastic bag with it's icky contents, and say, "Vegetable soup for lunch!!" 

Also, when asked by on one in particular, he would announce loudly, "If it don't open, don't shut, leaks, squeaks, or don't nobody else want it, it must be A-Gang's."

Troy Martin • Scott Merriner, the M-div leading first on 750, knew we were in for a long night of troubleshooting and/or extensive repairs whenever, after assesing the given situation, I would nod to Scott and declare the first step: "Make a pot of coffee."

Pat Harrah • Riddle me this, Batman! 
Or while on staff at S8G as Training EOOW when approached by a cocky nub trying to impress us with his LOK (Lack of Knowledge) we would say, "I've forgotten more about this plant than you'll ever know".

Brian Blodgett • Old crusty guys usually said this to anyone with less sea time than them: I've spent more time on the shitter at test depth eating ice cream than you have sea time!!

David Kelsey • Back in my Reactor operator days, we were running drills with the Engineer at his usual position behind me berating the EOOW. The drill was to ultimately lead to a SCRAM and the Eng was poking the EOOW, my Div O, "Well Mr. xxx, what ARE you going to do?" The EOOW gets pissed and slings his grease pencil out the Maneuvering entryway hitting me in the head on its way out, which pissed me off needless to say. The EOOW in an exasperated voice.."F___ing Reactor Operator! SCRAM the f___ing reactor!" I turned to him and said "SCRAM the f___ing Reactor, f___ing Reactor Operator Aye!" I dutifully dumped the plant and pronounced "Sir! The f___ing Reactor is SCRAMMED!" I hear a gut deep wail come from the Eng as he pronounced that he has relieved the EOOW in Maneuvering, telling the EOOW to leave and meet him in the wardroom and for us to make preps for a FRSU....which went off flawlessly. After we had reached NOT and were answering bells, the Eng leans over to me and says "PO Kelsey, there are times when verbatim repeat backs are not necessary."

Kevin Jarchow • A nub JG, fresh out of Sub Officer's school, by way of Nucpwr school and the Academy, rolls up on the pier in San Diego in his shiny red Corvette. He swaggers up to the quarterdeck watch (a TM2/SS) and says: "Have someone come up and get my seabag out of my car." To which the TM2 says: "With all due respect, sir. You can fuck yourself, you nub non-qual, pos. Get it your own damn self. By the way, the XO is waiting for you in his stateroom, because YOU are fucking a day late."

I forgot to mention that when the jg went below to speak to the XO, that the Topside watch had the PN call base security and have the Corvette towed, because it was a security issue.

Henry Salas • On the way into port, coming through the channel in Charleston, one ST that was just completing his first run said, "Wow, do you know what it's gonna be like sleeping next to my wife again?" The ST next to him responded, "Yeah, I do".

Frank Payton • The XO had an irritating way to start field day..... over the 1MC he would first announce "Wakey Wakey, up all bunks" then it was "Rub-a-dub-dub clean up sub". I hated it every time I heard it... now my kids have to endure.

Alan Gale • Routine turnover for "back aft" was "sucking two, spinning four, rainmaking to potable!"

Peter Mottram • Saw this on a previous write up for one of my CPO's - "Men follow him out of sheer curiosity"! 

Graham Cooke • We had a Petty Officer Cook who was not the best after planesman in the fleet. His style was a bit like a bullworker work out and the planes were moving so fast that the oil in the hydraulic system was overheating. The ship control OOW who was the Sonar Chief tapped him on the back and said, "Bob, you keep the f******g planes still and I'll trim round you!"

Dan Keller • While sitting a Ship's board, a young MS was having hard time explaining the propulsion system and kept referring to the two shafts. The board's officer wanted some clarification and gave the struggling MS an easy question "How many screws does the sub have?" You could see the eyes of the defeated MS roll back in his head as he looked up and replied "There must be thousands of screws on board." The board continued after a 20 minute break.

Ron Sparling • Had many from a nuc ET1 nick named Dan, Slayer of Words. The one he said that I still use to this day is, "I wouldn't do that if I were me."

Kevin Jarchow • 1984. USS Barb. San Diego. TM3 Schooley holding a hacksaw and a piece silver metal. MMC Brad Mason: "Whatcha doing Schooley?" TM3:"The chief wants me to cut a piece off of this rod. I've been working on it for an hour and this is how far I've gotten.” (The cut was about an eighth of an inch. Rhis must be titanium or something!" Mason:"It's not titanium.It's aluminum.You have the blade on upside down."